I was 22 years old when my father told me that the cancer had returned with a vengeance. We thought he was clear, done, finished. The CAT scans had told us the cancer had been defeated by the rigors of chemotherapy and radiation. I had shared the good report with my praying Bible study group to cheers.
But it was back. And there would be no reprieve this time. At the unwelcome news, I was no longer 22 years old but 6, and I crawled onto my father’s lap and told him I was scared. He confessed to me that he was scared, too.
An unknown future. A fight for more years all but lost. What would this crossing over from this life to full LIFE entail? Many of you know. I will just say here that it was a painful, trying, grace filled five months that followed my father’s confession. Yes, I will tell you that. I will also tell you that his last mumbled but well understood words to me were, “I love you.”
Holy words that I treasure in my memory and in my heart.
I face an uncertain future today. I am 54 years old and though I am not facing cancer ravaging one I love, I do not know what awaits me beyond the moments of this very one I am living in. I am 54 years old, but I still feel at times 22 and yes, even 6. Change is on the wind and change always feels like loss. I want to climb up on my Daddy’s lap and confess my fears.
So, in my spirit, in prayer, I do just that. Maybe you have a father who is still alive – in whom you are safe to confide your emotions. Maybe you don’t. But whether you have one whom you can see and feel and trust, or like me, you do not, we all have a good and trustworthy Father waiting. Understanding. Caring. His arms are open to us, even his lap is open to us and though we do not know what is coming, He does. Though I am often uncertain or afraid, He never is.
I’m climbing up there for a while today. And I’m not climbing down. Not until I’m good and ready but when I am…I will still be held throughout every moment of this day and the unknown that is coming. I am held for the rest of my life. And so are you.
Stasi Eldredge is a wife, mom, women’s ministry director, author and speaker who loves sharing the goodness of God with women. After becoming a Christian in college, Stasi joined Youth for Christ, heading up a ministry to pregnant teenagers and teen mothers. She’s been active in ministry ever since, including theatre ministry, crisis pregnancy center ministry, women’s ministry, and children’s ministry.
Stasi loves the joy and freedom that comes from knowing the passionate, stunning love of Jesus Christ and lives to see others come to know him more deeply. She is co-author, with her husband John, of the bestselling book, Captivating, and the author of Becoming Myself: Embracing God’s Dream of You. Connect with Stasi at RansomedHeart.com.
Today we’re excited to give away five copies of Stasi’s book, Becoming Myself: Embracing God’s Dream of You.
Becoming Myself is a hope-filled book for anyone who wonders if her life will ever change—if she will ever change. In Stasi Eldredge’s most intimate book yet, she shares her own struggles with self-worth, weight, and her past as she shows readers how God is faithfully unveiling who we truly are.
What do you do when life is uncertain? Share your answer in a comment to be entered to win a copy of Becoming Myself.