Tears flowed like a gushing river. Non-stop. Physical, emotional pain wrenched my gut.
I wanted to
I wanted it to be
For the pain to
I left a note.
I left my cellphone.
I left my husband.
I left my children.
I just left.
My life passed behind me in the rear view mirror. I drove with the apprehension of one who knows they are lost and tired. My whole body ached. There was no relief.
The noise of the house was too much. The bills were too much. Arguing with my husband too much. Cooking was too much. Cleaning was too much. Life was too much.
I was in serious danger and no one knew where I was. I headed down the freeway. Drove with intentions of finding that cliff I could just drive off.
Choking and gasping through my sobs, I prayed.
“God, help me. I can’t do this anymore.” I whimpered.
“I’m so alone. So broken. So very, very tired. Please, if you can hear me Lord, save me from myself. My family deserves better”
An hour into my drive the exit to a nearby hospital came up and I took it. It was an escape to somewhere safe.
I checked into the ER. I continued to cry as they escorted me immediately to my lonely room. An empty room. Void of any sign of life.
Empty like me.
All personal items were removed and locked away. Blue scrubs scratched my fair skin as I pulled them on. Hospital grip socks adorned my toes. I waited upon the only item in the room. A green padded bench.
A padded room, that’s where they need to put me.
I sat for hours, alone. Crying, sniffling, snotty, ugly cry type of crying. Finally a counselor arrived.
“Honey, you have depression. You’re not crazy. I promise you.” She comforted my breaking heart. “You need to give yourself a break. See all those tears? They show you feel deeply and you need to seek help.”
I looked up at her with my red puffy eyes.
Help? Yeah right.
“You know it’s okay to ask for help right? It doesn’t make you a bad person.”
It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to ask for help.
Do you hear that sweet sister? It’s okay to ask for help! I did seek help. I got into counseling and fought through the horrible side effects of the medications until they finally went away and I started to feel like a human again.
It’s okay to ask for help.
We can’t do it alone. We’re not meant to. The Lord created Eve to be a helper to Adam, because even Adam couldn’t do it alone.
If you are suffering from depression, ask someone you trust to assist you in finding help. Seek wise counsel, a doctor, and above all else, God. He will see you through it. Just ask.
In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears. Psalm 18:6
By Melinda Todd, Trailing After God